Robin Williams always comes to mind when I think of people who hide their mental pain. That poor man. The signs were there, though. He was over-the-top hilarious, which is an exhausting thing to be. It’s something you are when you’re trying to mask unhappiness.
The other day, when I was in the ER with a smashed, bloody toe that had the top cut off, I laughed and joked with the doctors and nurses. The doctor told my son I was handling the situation well and had a great sense of humor.
When I got home, I fell into one of my darkest depressions and spent three days in bed.
Nobody wants to be the needy friend or family member. And since my husband died, in May 2019, that is who I’ve become. I used to be self-reliant and dependable. But lately, as the saying goes, I can’t get out of my own way.
The other day, my son and I went out back to check on the trap door that is built into the floor of our deck. It was installed so that workers could access the basement doors which are under the deck. We were supposed to have a hot water heater delivered the next day and we had never used those doors before, so we thought we’d make sure they opened easily for the plumbers.
The doors are extremely heavy. They opened easily enough. But in order to use them, you have to lift one of the sections out and put it on the deck. When we put the section back into its space, I dropped it and it sliced off the top of my toe. Of course, I should’ve been wearing shoes. I think I even told my son to put on shoes. I just wasn’t thinking, and checking the door was a spur-of-the-moment idea. Looking back, I can see how the amputation could’ve been avoided, but looking back won’t reattach my toe.
I have a wonderful family and several really empathetic friends who’ve checked in on me over the past few years, since my husband’s death. One of my sisters has called me every single day. While there were days that I didn’t want to talk, she never gave up. I know she went through some hard times these past two years. but she always made sure she called me. I didn’t appreciate her dedication at first. I do now.
If you’re on Facebook, then you’ve probably seen the memes people post about how their coffee pot is always on, and they’re willing to drop everything if you need to talk. It’s a nice sentiment, and even if it’s true, most depressed people aren’t going to call an acquaintance and expose their secrets and fears. I tried it once. While the person was very kind and listened to me, I could tell she was glad when we parted. It was just too much to lay on a near-stranger.
Depression has come to the forefront of our attention since COVID-19 sickened and killed hundreds of thousands of people and shut down our world. Many, many people have retreated to dark corners of their psyches. Mental health specialists have been offering us suggestions since the very beginning of the pandemic. Self-care suggestions abound. They’re very helpful … if you take them. That’s the depression conundrum: when you’re in bed under mounds of blankets, it’s very difficult to get up, get dressed, and take a walk or do Yoga. It’s much easier to roll over and pull the covers over your head.
This virus has also caused so many problems besides sickness and death. Thousands of people have lost jobs, experienced financial hardship or devastation, and are anxious and troubled. This leads to even minor annoyances becoming magnified, explaining how normally rational people find themselves yelling at others to “wear your damned mask.”
And, to make matters even odder, unusual behaviors have become the norm. Many of us are now working from home, and getting fully dressed for work has become optional. Most of us only dress from the waist up for video calls and wear pajama pants or sweatpants on our bottom halves. One reporter didn’t even bother with sweatpants and was caught on-air in his boxers. Also, if our jobs aren’t time-sensitive, we are able to work whenever we want during the day, which is probably not healthy, because the work day goes on all day long, in between chores, eating, and other activities. There’s no “off” time from work.
When we are working, we stare at our computers for hours on end, without a break. When we went to a physical place of business, there were people to talk to, and things to distract us from our computers. Now, we just stare and stare and stare. At the beginning of the pandemic, I started falling down. I’d get dizzy and wind up on the floor. I bashed my head on a cabinet, sprained my knee, and cracked my skull against the toilet. That last incident had me in an ambulance. After countless tests, the doctors found nothing. At least I know what I don’t have. But I still have the dizziness. I discovered that it only happens after hours on the computer. I tried darkening my screen and wearing blue-light glasses. That helped, but I still have dizzy spells. At least I can spot them coming now and can prepare.
The one good thing that has come out of this is that my neediness has made me more empathetic. I can recognize when people are suffering from their own problems. And I have learned that some experiences have very long mental recovery periods. I also learned from my family and my close friends how to reach out and help others.
Addendum: Since writing the above post in April 2021, I was laid off from my job, spent several months in Ohio caring for my mother and brother, put my house on the market and sold it, and watched my lovely mother in law die over several months. I did find a great job, so not everything is bleak.
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